What do you do when your doctor seems (essentially) unconcerned about you being underweight and having an unhealthy relationship with food/exercise? I ended up going to my appointment on Tuesday and I just ended up feeling more disheartened. I started off talking about how I was feeling a lot of anxiety and stress around food and feel a compulsion to make sure I exercise x amount, and basically all she told me was to go see a counselor. I totally agree with that and was planning to go see one anyway, but it was just frustrating to me because she didn't even comment on me being underweight until my mom brought it up. She told me that as long as I'm eating healthy foods and exercising than I'm "healthy" and talking to someone about my stress might help my mindset. I understand that she's probably not trained in anything surrounding my problems, I just thought that she would tell me that gaining some weight would be a good thing, and actually encourage me to slow down a little bit. From the last time she saw me I've lost about fifty pounds, and that along with my talk of disordered behaviors around food I figured would raise some red flags? I don't know, maybe I'm just exaggerating.
The problem is, before this appointment I had kind of given into the idea of gaining weight (I mean, I can't exactly lose it forever). Although I didn't like the idea, I kind of figured that a doctor telling me it was necessary would just push me in the right direction. But now that I've been told I'm healthy and fine, I just figure there's absolutely no point. It's so frustrating because I thought I really had a problem, and now it just feels like it's all in my head. I feel completely invalidated and now I just don't feel like I have a big enough problem to have any reason to fix it.
I'm just sick of feeling tired and hungry and weak and cold and bony. I'm tired of forcing myself to exercise when I haven't enjoyed it for so long. I'm tired of feeling guilty when other people in my family workout one day and I don't. I thought all of this meant I had a real issue, but now I just can't help to think I'm being a baby and nothing's really wrong with the way I think.
Anyway, my dad and I are going to try to get an appointment with a counselor sometime this morning. I'm nervous about it, but I know it's necessary, and I know I've benefited from therapy at other points in my life. Here's to hoping it helps me now, too.