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"Can I just quit?" Update

Firstly, I cannot explain how grateful I am for all of the supportive and encouraging comments that I got on my previous post from a couple weeks ago. I figured it would be easier just to type up one long update once I had something to say than to reply to everyone individually, but I want you all to know that every single comment was so appreciated. I am seriously so lucky to be part of such a wonderful community.

To be honest, I haven't been doing that great and, unfortunately, nothing much has changed. After talking to my parents and sister about all of my problems, my mom booked an appointment for me at my doctor's office. It's not until a little over a month away, which I guess is both good and bad. On one hand I know that I need professional help and getting it will only do me good, but on the other I'm absolutely terrified as to what they'll say. I know they'll probably tell me to gain weight, and I know that that obviously isn't the worst thing in the world, but sometimes it really feels like it is.

Today was a big win for me, however! After having somewhat of a meltdown after school, my mom and sister managed to convince me it was okay not to workout. This is a huge deal for me, because it'll mean that I'll only have worked out four days this week instead of my normal five. I've stayed active the rest of the days anyway, so I know that it's not a big deal to miss a day, but my brain oftentimes tricks me into thinking that it is.

I'm not going to lie, I feel quite guilty about it. I guess the thing that I'm trying to remind myself of is that in order to get better, I NEED to feel guilty. I NEED to challenge myself. I NEED to deal with the emotional side of it. So I'm going to feel guilty, but I'm not going to restrict my food or workout more tomorrow or try to make up for it any other way. What I'm going to do instead is use the time that I would've spent working out and decorate my room for Christmas (yes, I know it's early....but I love Christmas and no one's going to stop me!). And then I'm going to work on some homework, make myself a nice dinner, watch one of my favorite shows, and go to bed early for the first time in what feels like months. And it's going to be okay.

Unfortunately I think there's a lot of guilt surrounding pretty much every aspect of eating disorders/disordered eating and other mental health issues. It sucks to know that you're hurting so much inside, and you KNOW you are, but your brain still tries to tell you that you're not hurting badly enough to get the help you need. The truth is, there's probably always going to be someone who has it worse than you do, but that absolutely DOES NOT mean you don't deserve to get better just as much as they do. Whenever I feel guilty, I'm going to challenge that feeling by reminding myself of a few things:

1. I do not need to "earn" my food.

2. Food is neither "good" nor "bad." It does not have moral value. Eating what my body is craving is important, whether that be a salad or a cookie.

3. My worth is not connected to how much I move my body.

4. I do not need to be dangerously underweight to deserve to get better and be healthy.

5. Rest is essential. I cannot force my body to extremes and expect anything good to come out of it.

6. Weight is a number that determines nothing about who I am as a person. I am more than this number.

7. I deserve to eat.

8. I can get better and I WILL get better.

I know that these kind of posts aren't super relevant to fitness, working out, and getting healthier in the normal sense, so I apologize if anyone is bothered by me posting updates like this. I really do find typing all of my feelings out therapeutic, but I can and will stop posting them on here if it's inappropriate or unhelpful for any of you. This community is such a wonderful and supportive place and, although Daniel and Kelli obviously make it clear that they don't support going to extremes to lose weight, I know there are a few of you who have said you have struggled the way I am and therefore I think it's important to open up a discussion about this. Unfortunately the fitness industry is so messed up nowadays that many people fall into the same unhealthy patterns, and I hope maybe my experiences could warn some of you not to go down the same route.