Long Post!!! Last Week Summary & Holidays Incoming. Thoughts.

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So last week i was supposed to start FB Mass. That week didn't start well, from not having enough rest on weekend (because i was stupid and overrate and then i worked my ass off to burn it :( ). I did finish the 2nd day of FB Mass after a recovery day i took. Even though it didn't feel like i was pushing too much, that leg workout left my legs sore till this weekend.

Meanwhile i started smoking again. On Saturday i decided to pull off the 1000 cal workout, i had also finished the previous Saturday. I couldn't really handle myself, i took it really slow and disappointed but i finished it on much lower impact than previous weekend.

Since that i'm under extreme confusion on what to do. I feel like i can't bring myself to do any HIIT. I try do some low impact stuff but they make me feel worse than doing nothing. I stopped working out in the mornings, and the afternoons after lunch and smoking i really can't give it all to any workout.

I thought since X-mas would cut off my Mass program its ok, i will do my own thing and get back to it after holidays.

But my mind is in chaotic... I can't even tell if i pushed myself too hard and i shouldn't workout Every day for a while, or if i started slacking and making excuses? I honestly can't tell. And the guilt every day that i don't workout.

I spent time to make a schedule on what videos to do and i feel like nothing is fitting for what i want right now.. What do i want right now? LOL to burn 1309183290823 calories without effort.

I hate that its winter and i can't even walk on recovery days.

At least i keep my diet still in check. But i'm not that optimistic on holidays incoming!!! I struggled 2 months to lose 2 kg and i'm pretty sure i will be back to 0 when i'm back. Mostly because i don't have family support, and i will be with family and they will push me to eat the stuff they buy cause come on its holidays, you look fine blah blah blah.

One of the reasons i started working out in the mornings was because i was a smoker and my lungs felt cleaner you know first thing in the morning. Then i managed to go a few weeks with 1 smoke every afternoon and that worked pretty damn well while it lasted... I had my enjoyment and i was progressing pretty good in workouts. Now i'm back to not waking up to exercise and then try to do some before i sleep but i can't really push for cardio/hiit at that point.

I just like how i worked and felt when having a schedule with Workouts & Food...

I don't know why i'm writing this maybe in an effort to try find my true reasons for why i got to this point with no excuses.

I 'm telling myself i will go slow but i get frustrated when i don't see magical results. My aim is to lose 1-2kg per month but deep down i dream that i will get on the scale tomorrow and i will be much lighter than i was planing. LOL. WHY BRAIN? .

CHEERS and sorry if anyone reads all this !