Sick and tired of being fat


I'm tired and I'm depressed and I don't even want to exercise and eat healthy anymore. I'm 5'6 and have always been 180 lbs, a few years ago I lost 20 lbs with Fitnessblender. Joy was felt. Then I went up to 40 lbs after graduating college, losing hope in the world, and getting diagnosed with a genetic disease. I've been exercising and eating healthy since March, but alas, I've gone up to 205 and am the level of fat.

A year ago yesterday I had my colon removed due to FAP. I was in the hospital for three weeks unable to eat because my intestines were "off". I lost 40 lbs in three weeks and the nurses even complimented me on my weight loss. Then as soon as I could eat again, back up to 200 lbs. I promised myself I wouldn't overeat, but after three weeks of starvation and being in the hospital trying to choke down jello and gross broth, that totally didn't happen. Back to being fat. Oh, and I had an ileostomy and my intestines was sticking out of my stomach at the time so that was also super helpful for my body image.

In December I had my second surgery to put my intestines back in my body. After a week in the hospital with the same intestines problem, I got to leave and the stitches in my stomach popped open because I was fat. Then I went to urgent care because I could now see into my abdomen and didn't like that. The urgent care doctor told me I was fat and could lose weight if I followed his bariatric diet. I spent Christmas in the hospital with a tube up my nose and now have no colon or rectum, I don't need my healthcare professionals calling me a fatty on top of that.

So now I'm 205 lbs. On top of that, due to my surgery, the fat on my lower left abdomen is less than my lower right abdomen, and it's reversed on the top. Thank you body, we didn't have enough problems, now my stomach is all sorts of lopsided. I can't even.

Honestly, I don't even mind the aesthetics of being fat. I'm fine with the way I look. Being fat in the mirror doesn't both me that much. My lopsided stomach doesn't both me that much because I now have some really cool scars so whatever. I just don't like being fat. I don't like being heavy. I don't like that I have no clothes that fit. I don't like how my thighs are huge, I don't like that even stretchy pants feel like they're pressing into my stomach, I don't like that the fat on my arms rubs against my ribs.

I hate the way fat feels. I can accept the way it looks, but I cannot endure the way it feels. Until I watch a movie or see someone thin and now I'm mad that I look fat. I have a hard time even watching Kelli in videos because I'm so mad about how fat I am.

I already suffered from anxiety and depression. My therapist told me this week she wanted me to love myself instead of hate myself. I was doing pretty well this week. I went to the doctor yesterday and weight 201 lbs. Could I finally have progress? I couldn't see or feel less fat yet, but there was hope. I was thirsty so I thought maybe water weight, but maybe I had lost a lb or two since I increased my amount of exercise. Then at the Rite-Aid today I weighed myself. 204 lbs. Hope lost. Boyfriend weighed himself. He started working out two weeks ago and skips half of them and eats giant piles of food and lost 10 lbs. What. But I tried to maintain the positivity! I could get faster results (or any results) if I ate less carbs! Yes, that was it. I still had bad diet habits to break. It's okay because I'm stronger now! I didn't lose weight but I have muscle! It's fine everything is fine!

I do HIIT in the morning three times a week and cardio in between, with strength in the evening Tuesday-Sunday. I know Kelli would probably say that's too much, but I increased this from strength five days a week and I feel a lot better physically so I think it's fine. Before my leg strength today I was feeling hopeless, so I thought maybe look at some before and afters on the website! Other people got skinny in a few months and I've been trying for three years... hope dwindling.

But no, I'll look at the forums! Because that's where the people struggling would go! Ah yes, other people saying they have problems. I'm not alone. Others are struggling. Feeling a little better. Click on topics. Other people are exercising less, eating more, and mad that they are only losing a lb or two a week? Other people say "don't lose hope!" then detail how they didn't lose weight the first month, but lost it the second! I've been trying to lose weight for three freaking years, most consistently since March, and it feels like no one else is having this struggle.

My mother died when I was sixteen after being fat for sixteen years no matter what she died and adding diet pills to her bipolar medication. So there's that.

I don't have a thyroid problem, I've lost weight before, I'm not starving myself, I'm not over-training, My doctor thinks I should be losing weight since everything is fine. I sleep fine. I don't understand. I've exercised a little, I've exercised a lot, I've eaten a little, I've eaten a lot. Nothing seems to matter. I feel alone. After visiting the forums I started crying and screaming in frustration. I took a nap and missed the window for working out today.

I'm so sick of the advice. Ditch the scale, you're beautiful the way you are, it's about being healthy, you're pigging out too much, less carbs, don't eat granola, don't eat avocados, eat this, don't eat that, keto diet keto diet keto diet.

What's the point? It feels like everyone here is able to lose actual body fat and mine defies physics unless I literally starve myself. I'm healthy. So what? I'm still uncomfortable, I still feel heavy, I still feel gross. Why be healthy if you still feel like garbage?