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Eating Disorders suck: How My Disordered Thoughts Get the Best of Me Every Time I Start Working Out

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Salutations, all!

My name's Lydia and let me begin this post by saying how grateful I am for finding FitnessBlender. I support D and K's mission statement and love what they promote. Through them, I've learned so much about fitness and health and I love the challenges provided by each of their workouts. I've told everyone I know about FB and I can't tell you enough how much I support this site and everything that it does for people.

With that said, I am someone who struggles with disordered thoughts due to my ED. Although I've made milestones and am currently doing well in regards to my mental health, I still struggle immensely with body image and the number on the scale. I still have this unshakable belief that my success and potential in life is directly tied with my weight; the more I weigh, the more likely I'll fail to achieve my dreams.

I recognize that this belief is completely false and outrageous, yet I can't seem to let go of it, no matter how hard I try through reasoning, self care, and acknowledgment of my ED and how it functions.

I've always struggled with eating enough food. Actually, as of now, I'm in the process of trying to lose weight. I just graduated college (undergrad) and I ended up gaining my "freshman 15" during my last semester (fml). It's been a major stressor and bummer for my self esteem, but I am hopeful to lose weight relatively soon since I'll be returning to my old routine. With that said, I am worried that my old routine was flawed to begin with.

On top of having difficulty with food intake, I have always, ALWAYS, had a hard time with approaching exercise.

I LOVE working out. I love challenging my body and working up a sweat. I find it fun, though exhausting. My problem with it concerns a couple of issues that I'm trying to work on and address: muscle gain and negative thoughts surrounding that.

I have always wanted to be fit, but more than that, I've always wanted to be "skinny." Every time I start exercising, my ED, which for the most part is subdued, comes back full blast. Exercising quickly becomes a resented chore, my self esteem crumbles because weight loss doesn't ensue, rather I gain muscle weight which causes concern instead of delight, and food becomes a dark entity instead of an enjoyable necessity. Although I've had amazing and positive results from working out, I always end up quitting, due to my fear of weight gain.

I desperately want to find peace with my body. I want to be fit and healthy and whole. I want to love my body and feel beautiful regardless of what the scale says. I want to be happy with myself, so I can move on and conquer the world.

Does anyone else experience similar issues?

Kelli and Daniel-any advice, suggestions, or feedback that you can give me?

Thank you,

Lydia