All I want is to give up

20

So here I am, depressed, demotivated, sad. The only thing that keeps me working out is knowing that it is important for my health, especially with the sedentary jobs I had/have.

I started working out with FB quite a few years ago but it was mostly HIIT workouts three days a week. Certainly my performance improved over time but nothing major. Then, about 2 years ago I graduated from university and started working in an office. That's when I stopped working out at all, the office was far from home and I was out for more than 12 hours every day which didn't leave any time or energy to do anything. Long story short I gained 8kg. Plus the work environment was terrible. So the two factors together made me really depressed and disgusted with my new body full of cellulite and rolls in places I never had them. Not to mention the super wide hips and non existent (I'm a pear) that made me look even worse with no proportion.

I was so disgusted with myself I didn't want to look in the mirror, started wearing clothes that coverd me as much as possible, and didn't even want my boyfriend to look at me.

So February 2018 quit my job while getting ready to move to a new country and bought the FB Fit routine. I started working out again, this time 100%. First two months went well. The scale barely moved, just 1kg, but the before and after pictures were great. In april I started the program again and the next two months I managed to lose another kg, getting down to 56kg, but there was barely any difference in the pictures. Almost nothing. That really demotivated me. July was a bit of a hiccup, vacation, a burger and a beer here and there, you know, but I continued working out.

Halfway through my third round of FB Fit... I'm back to 58kg. Physically I can't see any improvement, only extra fat deposits, no tone whatsoever, and even worse I have no more energy, my performance seems to be suffering and I just wanna give up.

I use MyFitnessPal to track my calories: I start from the minimum recommended for my body which is 1200 and to that I add the daily calories I'm supposed to burn (always underestimating the burn and using the lower end of what's in the workouts) which brings me to an average of 1400-1500 calories a day of healthy, home cooked meals with fresh ingredients only, wholegrains, lean proteins and lots of veggies. According to MyFitnessPal that's what I'm supposed to eat to lose at least 0.5kg a week. Instead I'm gaining, and it's not muscle, it's fat. Or, even if I'm gaining musce, the fat won't go away. So I constantly look like your average pear shaped skinny fat girl.

So after days of crying here I am questioning what's wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, and most of all: is all this tough work even worth it at this point?