So frustrated (again)


I apologize in advance for how messy and unintelligible this rant may sound, I just feel that I need help and I really don't know what to do anymore. I've posted about this problem before, but I'm still really struggling and just need some support.

In February of this year I buckled down and started really trying to lose weight. I luckily found a FitnessBlender workout video on youtube and have been hooked ever since, but it's the food part that I've really struggled with. I'm a very obsessive person (I have OCD) and tend to constantly overthink and worry about every minor detail. When I first started trying to lose weight, I decided that I would eat around 1,400 calories a day (so a 500 calorie deficit from what I thought was my TDEE). I know many people on here discourage counting calories and I completely and totally agree with you all, but at that time I was very uneducated and just wanted to find something that worked. And it did! I went from 149 in late February to about 127 today. I'm a lot happier with how my body looks now (although I do have quite a bit of extra fat on my stomach and thighs that I'm working to get rid of), but it's the mental part that I'm still really struggling with.

I can't stop counting calories. It honestly gives me anxiety to think about stopping, as I feel I'll lose control over how much I'm eating and I'll "go over" my limit for that day. At this point I'm kind of worried that I'm not eating enough! With the 1,400 calories I was at before I was actually losing weight at about 1.5 pounds or so a week, and even increasing to 1,700-1,800 has put me losing .5-1 pound per week still. I'm 18 years old, female, and about 5'6.5. I workout with fitnessblender videos (I'm not doing a program right now, but I alternate between HIIT, upper body, lower body, and core) 5-6 days a week. I also try to go on a few short walks on top of those workouts and am currently working part-time at a grocery store where I am on my feet/stocking shelves/lifting and moving things for my entire shift. When I've calculated my TDEE in the past I've always struggled figuring out what activity level I should be at, so I normally just set it to lightly active and don't track my exercise. I've thought about moving it to moderately active, but I'm unsure if my amount of daily activity is appropriate for that level.

My biggest problem (and this may be a bit TMI--sorry in advance), is that my period has become really irregular. I've always had a really regular cycle and it only really started to become disrupted when I started counting calories/restricting and working out, so I really have no idea which of those two things are the cause. I don't feel particularly fatigued or hugely sore so I don't believe that I'm overtraining, but I also highly doubt that the amount of food I'm eating is so low that it would cause me to miss periods. I've talked to both my older sister and my mom about it and neither of them seem very concerned (they just say it's probably my body adjusting to the exercise), but I don't know, it just seems strange.

I know I'm just kind of spewing all this information out with no real basis, but I'm just so frustrated with myself and this constant cycle of stress that I'm putting myself through. On days that I don't exercise I feel bad and try not to eat as much because I'm not burning as many calories, and on days I exercise I try to burn as many calories as I can so that I make sure I don't eat more than I burn. I so badly want to be able to intuitively eat and not worry about the calories, but I'm just so scared of gaining weight back if I do that. I eat clean, whole foods most of the time and try my best to stay away from processed stuff (although I of course treat myself once and a while) but there's foods I love like real peanut butter (I eat PB2) and dates that I don't really allow myself to eat anymore because they're too high in calories. I'm just so lost and feeling so helpless and defeated. I'd really appreciate any advice that any of you have, no matter what it might be. How do I stop counting and worrying? Am I eating too little? Am I exercising too much? Please help!

I hope all of you had a wonderful Tuesday!