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Frustrated with myself. I need help.

19

I counted calories again. I didn't even make it one day. I'm too worried that I'm going to gain. I ate nearly 1,600 calories the other day and yesterday I woke up feeling bloated and weighing 1.6 pounds more than I did the day before. Now I'm back down to about 1,300-1,400 and today I woke up and was 1.6 pounds down.

I hate feeling like this. I did an active recovery workout today (the second to last day of FB30) which felt nice, but now I have to find a way to burn the extra 150 calories in another form (I probably only burned 100 from the workout, and cronometer adds 250 calories for the lightly active setting). I tried to make myself go for a run, but I hate running and I just couldn't do it today. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I hate the fact that I've been working out and eating less for three months and my stomach is still as fat as ever. I hate the fact that I break down in tears at nearly every workout because I feel weak and unfit. I hate the fact that this is how I feel 24/7. I hate being scared to gain weight, scared to stop counting calories, scared that if I take a break from exercise I'll never start back up again. I'm only .4 pounds away from my weight goal, and even though I tell myself I'll stop calorie counting once I hit it, I know I won't. I know I won't look the way I want with only .4 pounds less fat on my body.

I don't know how to get out of this horrible cycle of hating how I look and constantly being worried about food and calories. It seems easier to just stop eating all together, but obviously that would be unhealthy. I can't believe I let myself get to this state in the first place. I don't know how to stop.