To Kelli..


As some of you may have noticed, I made a joke yesterday on the post regarding the new 1000-calorie workout video, to which Kelli replied she currently wasn't doing so well. I was amazed with the support everyone was offering her. But I can't help but feel just a little bit guilty for making that joke. I know there's no way I could have known up front of course, but still.

As a person who is severely depressed, it's always been the small things that made me feel just a little bit better. A lot of it comes from helping others. I know I can't really help Kelli right now, but I wanted to tell my story to show just how much she, Daniel and FitnessBlender have helped me, and with me a lot of others. And I hope the rest of the community will share some of their thoughts or stories or kind words on this post, so when Kelli logs in again, she'll have some amazing stuff to read.

I'm going to keep this as short as possible, just a very short, rudimentary summary of my story. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Four years ago I was finally diagnosed with dysthymia (chronic depression), with periods of double depression (dysthymia and clinical depression together), and Asperger (autism). I have always felt different, like I don't belong here (that just comes with the autism). I always create stories, fantasies, in my head to distract myself from the depression and the fact that I actually just want to die. A little while back, something went really wrong in my head, with one of those fantasies. Normally it would be based on a movie or serie or book or whatever. But this time it was based on an actual person. Because there was a band that made me smile again with their music during a period where I hardly left my bed at all.

It made me feel good at first, since it made me smile. But then I wanted to meet the guy, cause for the first time in my life I felt like I sort of connected with someone, or like.. I don't know. There was something familiar about him. Something that made me think "I could actually get along with this guy". Cause I can't really connect with people that well. I don't really have a lot of friends. There's a lot of days where there's no human interaction at all. And the isolation and loneliness really got to me.

There was a point where I had planned to kill myself. Due to some circumstances, that didn't work out the way that I wanted. Fastforward. I got hired to hand-make engraved rings for.. yeah, that guy from that band. Not kidding. I was ... pff.. overwhelmed. I was going to hand deliver the rings in December and actually meet that guy. Due to problems with my contact person and busy schedules, that still hasn't happened yet. And it's May now. I have never been so stressed in my life.

Anyway, when in October I got the word that I was going to meet that guy, I immediately thought "I need to start working out again". I know, a bit of a silly reason. But hey, as long as it works. So I had myself checked by a doctor. Because in the year before I had lost over 12 kilo due to stress. And I wanted to make sure I wouldn't lose any more weight. I weighed 55 kilo and felt skinny and weak. So I started working out again. Of course with FitnessBlender.

So that's the extremely shortened background story. The point I'm trying to make is, when I started working out again, a lot changed. Even after I realized I wasn't going to meet that guy in December. There is now a portion of my day that is dedicated to doing groceries, working out, cooking a healthy dinner and taking a shower. There was a time I showered maybe once a week. I honestly couldn't be bothered. And you all know that after a FitnessBlender workout, you HAVE to shower, haha! So not only am I working out again, not only am I showering again, I also gained 5 kilo again. I'm not skinny anymore. I don't feel weak anymore (well... I still feel exhausted and drained, but that's just depression).

Kelli always brags how this is such a positive community. And I personally think that it's because of the example Kelli and Daniel set. They are such wonderful people. So honest, so genuine. They're role-models and they actually care about the people doing their workouts. I even bought a selection of loose tanktops, because I love how Kelli always puts her shirts in a knot in the back. I started doing that now too. Even though I'm still a little insecure with my body.

Kelli and Daniel taught me so much about health, fitness, and so many other things. They always remain kind and true to themselves. No misinformation to sell supplements or any of that nonsense. So, dear, sweet Kelli (and Daniel), I truly hope you will overcome whatever is going on in your life right now. It really hurt me to read you weren't doing okay. Cause - and I think a lot of people have that here in the community - you are important to me, and your well-being matters to me. Even though I don't personally know you, it sometimes feels a little like that when you tell me "you can do it!" through the laptop screen. Even though I'm still stressed out of my mind and severely depressed, and yes, I still want to die. There is a moment during my day, when I'm working out with you, that I don't think about that at all. And that is worth everything to me. (Plus, I have a really nice ass now :D )

So once again, I'm sending lots of hugs and kisses your way. And I hope you will overcome this thing. So here's me (and the community) telling you for once "You've got this. You can do it!"



P.S. Sorry for the long post. When I've met that guy from the band, you guys will be the first to know