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Changing my relationship with food

For the past several years, I've wanted to lose weight. Last year I ended up losing about 25 pounds because I had an undiagnosed parasite for 8 months and wasn't eating much of anything at all, and so far this year (since end of February) I've managed to lose a little over fifteen pounds. I'm happier with how I look and I've definitely built up strength and muscle (I'm a week and a half away from finishing FB30!) but I'm worried that I've ruined my relationship with food. I used to not care how much or what I ate. I tried to eat healthy, but I would never count calories or make myself feel bad about eating something. I'm vegan, so I used to eat a ton of pasta and potatoes--I haven't had them for weeks now because I'm worried about the calories! For the past several months I've been eating at or under 1,400 calories a day, which is about what my BMR is (I'm 18, 5'7", 131 pounds). There are days where I'm fine and end up with calories left because I'm just not hungry, and then there are days where I'm starving but not allowing myself to eat because I don't have calories left. And I hate it! I'm so sick of it! I'm sick of being a grumpy mess because I'm hungry. I'm sick of planning out every single meal, logging every bite I take, and counting down the minutes until lunch or dinner because I don't have calories left for a snack. I'm finally happier with my body, though, and I worry that if I start eating more, I won't be able to lose the last few pounds. My stomach is my worst area and although it's looking flatter than it used to, it's still not where I want it to be and I worry that if I start trying to maintain my weight, it'll never get to where I want it to be. I obviously plan on continuing to work out 4-6 days a week like I do now, but would that be enough?

I hate feeling this way. I hate looking at nutrition labels all the time and putting things back on the shelf just because they're high in calories. I want to be able to eat a bunch of fruits and vegetables when I feel hungry and not worry about which ones have the lowest calories. I honestly can't believe how stressed I am and how many times I've cried over food (FOOD!!!) recently. It's ridiculous. I hate how you can watch "what I eat in a day" videos on youtube and these people eat barely anything at all or the only thing that's focused on is how healthy something is. Of course it's great to eat healthy, but why is it looked down upon to treat yourself once and a while? I'm just so done with my life being so focused on food right now. I swear it's all I can think about! Any advice would be appreciated.