Parts of my story - Things i struggle with - How i overcame issues

This all came up while trying to reply to "My obsessive mindset is killing my relationship" Lady El 's post.

My boyfriend helped me a lot with this situation, not with something he did, he was generally awesome. And he could never understand why i struggle, and cry and get these crisis every now and then. But i saw he was suffering from what i was doing. He loved me he helped me laugh everytime i was down... So what the heck was i doing? I had everything ... and i was obsessing over a few kilos noone really cared about? It messed with my behaviour in everything even workspace relations etc. I always felt less... I wanted to not get attention, be invisible, cause i had 0 self esteem. I felt noone liked me and i was bothering people by being there. I was not talking to people and hanging around with others cause i felt i'm intruding. I was sabotaging myself for 0 reason.

I noticed there are people that weight more than me and look so happy and easygoing, i noticed there are people that weight less, are skinny, are "perfect" and struggle the same or even worse than me.

So i figured out this is not a weight problem.. There is something else, something much deeper keeping me down.

And yes i had issues. And i was generally depressive (my assumption never been to a doc). I find 0 meaning in our lives, and i'm struggling with that... So i gave up on everything with that excuse... Why exercise? Why lose weight? Why bother with anything? I was playing videogames to forget my misery, but they made me more miserable, i was thinking ok why even play this so many times if i'm never going to become the best player? Why learn some craft, when so many others are so good at this. I was using so many excuses to keep doing nothing.

I'm still not sure why i thought this way. All i know is as a teenager i was struggling a lot i was crying everynight to sleep, and everything was too much for me. Everyone was expecting to much from me. I was the "smart" kid. Everyone bragging on that. And my dad pushing more and more and so judgemental. I had a crisis of " i dont want to be like him, i just want to be a GOOD person. I don't care for degrees and knowledge and helping my parents in this mindset of showing around how smart i am wow." I didn't want to live this life. But i thought ok i'm used to being down i can survive this. I made a bet to myself to give life a chance, i thought 30... is good, if i'm not happy till 30 i ll end this. It's not like i gave up too soon? i will have given life plenty of chances to change my mind, to prove me it's worth it. (i told myself)

So after pretty much ruining my highschool years from the smart kid to almost a drop out. I somewhat recovered the last year on exams, i made it to an engineering uni (like my dad, wow.). I thought yeah now i will be free... AWAY from them... Alone.. Finally.. I will be so happy. But i wasn't. I pulled through anyway thinking when i get a job and i will feel good, i will feel productive, yes i will love working, having my own money.. I will be free then, now i'm still money dependent.

But i wasn't... That's when i had another crisis on okay... what the hell? Cause i honestly had nothing more to expect... I 've gone to all the phases that were supposed to improve my life and i would finally be happy.

I met my current boyfriend 3 years ago. I was at my worse mentally, and he honestly came as a gift from universe. I had started getting a grip of my life only 1-2 months before i met him, like realizing i am spending all these years waiting for my life to improve without a single effort from me? I wasn't entitled to anything without effort... i wasn't any more special than everyone else... Life wasn't harder on me that others... I was just grown to be weak. I never became a person. I was still dependent from my parents that i' ve hated (for this reason) and needed to escape from.

My boyfriend was one of those people i always loved and admired most. Simple, plain, straightforward, and extremely good at heart (and naive). What helped me most overcome a lot of my issues was not exactly him. It was that i didn't want to hurt this nice person with my bullshit. I didn't want to break him too... So everytime i was causing a scene out of nowhere, i was processing my behavior extra hard, and slowly i became to understand why i do some things on a deeper level. And slowly corrected my behavior.

Throu all these years i was struggling with my weight..

But one day i pictured my life like a movie in my head let's say i woke up tomorrow and my body was my ideal body. What would i do? Wouldn't i still do the same things? Have the same people around me? Same work? Same life... Would i really be happier? My weight was an excuse to many things.

I think that's what helped me, set my mind right. And focus on the right things.

I was into sports as a kid till 15 yo. Then i stopped (not out of choice) and gained weight (naturally). So i maxed at 85 kg at some point (1.60cm height). Most of the time i was 77. For the last 3 years i was mostly 65 on average, with a goal to get to 57.

I am now 62. I am not happier because i lost some weight. I am happier because i learnt to focus more on things i like, and started focusing on enjoying myself, rather than beating myself up. I yet haven't found a meaning in my life... I just don't think about it. I don't feel my body is prettier ( i actually see the same thing i was seeing when 20 kg heavier), but i don't let it have impact on how i feel.

I don't know if i want children. I don't want my children to struggle, like i did. I don't find a reason to have children. I think it's somewhat selfish. I don't want to make children to feel happier, to have something to hold on to, to have something to make me complete. To overprotect them to the point of ruining them like my parents did. Maybe i'm just scared because i'm still recovering from some stuff. I don't know.

All i know is my days are so much happier now, with only one thing changing, my self-esteem.

What i want to conclude to is. Weight problems usually hinder other problems behind them. Don't waste time... years... Find help.

Sorry for this post is highly mixed up thoughts with a really terrible flow. The small preview window and the fact i had to stop typing to do some other stuff didn't help.