I’m a long-time exerciser - I’ve been working out consistently for more than ten years, the last five with FitnessBlender. I’ve had no real periods of time off from exercise and no major injuries or illnesses, so my issue has never been making myself exercise; it’s just part of my identity. I mostly strength train these days, but I have a decent level of cardio fitness and run once a week (about 7-9km usually) when I’m not doing a challenge or program. I normally work out 5 days a week; on the other two days my shift pattern has me on an 11-hour shift, during which time I have at most a half-hour break and can be on my feet for the entirety of the time, so I tend to count those as active recovery days rather than actual rest!
I work hard when I exercise; I don’t just show up and do the moves - I’m always trying to lift heavier and I’ve made decent progress over time. As reference, I generally lift a bit heavier than Tasha (unless it’s reverse flies - my nemesis), normally one or two increments up.
BUT. I’m starting to wonder what this is all for and why I keep pushing myself so hard. I don’t particularly like the way I look now - I’ve gained quite a lot of muscle and I have a chunky, stocky build which I find quite embarrassing. I’m not fat (UK 10, most of the time - US 6) but I used to be much smaller and I find it hard to accept the bigger me, even on the odd occasion when I’m proud of the added strength. It’s not like I’m an elite athlete, so no one is going to be impressed by what I can do.
Sometimes I think it would be nice just to back off and half-arse my way through workouts. Sometimes I think it would be nicer to be smaller and less strong. I’m really just wondering why I should keep showing up every day and killing myself working so hard when I don’t have a goal and I'm ashamed of my body.
Sorry for the rambling, self-indulgent post. This has been bothering me for a while and I would appreciate any wisdom anyone has.
In search of a “why”
Apologies, long post upcoming.
I’m a long-time exerciser - I’ve been working out consistently for more than ten years, the last five with FitnessBlender. I’ve had no real periods of time off from exercise and no major injuries or illnesses, so my issue has never been making myself exercise; it’s just part of my identity. I mostly strength train these days, but I have a decent level of cardio fitness and run once a week (about 7-9km usually) when I’m not doing a challenge or program. I normally work out 5 days a week; on the other two days my shift pattern has me on an 11-hour shift, during which time I have at most a half-hour break and can be on my feet for the entirety of the time, so I tend to count those as active recovery days rather than actual rest!
I work hard when I exercise; I don’t just show up and do the moves - I’m always trying to lift heavier and I’ve made decent progress over time. As reference, I generally lift a bit heavier than Tasha (unless it’s reverse flies - my nemesis), normally one or two increments up.
BUT. I’m starting to wonder what this is all for and why I keep pushing myself so hard. I don’t particularly like the way I look now - I’ve gained quite a lot of muscle and I have a chunky, stocky build which I find quite embarrassing. I’m not fat (UK 10, most of the time - US 6) but I used to be much smaller and I find it hard to accept the bigger me, even on the odd occasion when I’m proud of the added strength. It’s not like I’m an elite athlete, so no one is going to be impressed by what I can do.
Sometimes I think it would be nice just to back off and half-arse my way through workouts. Sometimes I think it would be nicer to be smaller and less strong. I’m really just wondering why I should keep showing up every day and killing myself working so hard when I don’t have a goal and I'm ashamed of my body.
Sorry for the rambling, self-indulgent post. This has been bothering me for a while and I would appreciate any wisdom anyone has.