Update Post stroke life (struggling with healthy body image)
It's been a while since I've done one of these. I'm currently working on a few things regarding future work. I've completely changed my plans since the last update. Bewegingsagogie(recovery healthcare trainer) is out the window. I regularly talk to an after care consultant at the rehab clinic. I talked to her about "ervaringsdeskundige". Literally translated it means experience expert. So someone who is an expert on something through personal experience. She told me they don't have it at the clinic there but there are clinics that do have it. So I got the rather ambitious plan of creating that job at the clinic. Since it's quite valuable for stroke survivors to talk to another stroke survivor who is further into their recovery journey already. I received the best tips from other stroke survivors in Facebook groups. So far the people I've told about this have been positive. So Monday when I saw the consultant again I told her and asked for contact information of managment so I can pitch my idea. So I'm writing a mail concept to send. I have a job coach who will help me with it. But this week I received word that my disability pay has been improved. I already had some disability pay, but in the Netherlands there are several types. The one I had was based on what you earned in your last job. Since I was still a student, I only worked part-time in healthcare (which pays horribly), so I got 75% of what I was earning with that job. 75% of almost nothing is less than almost nothing, so basically living below the poverty border. There's a different type of disability pay which is specifically for young people, but the rules for that one are very strict, but it is much higher because it's just minimum monthly wage.I applied for it, had a very awkward conversation with an insurance doctor (who was questoning my ability to work out, he didn't understand how I was able to work out 5 days a week, so I was worried I screwed myself over by being honest about it). But they approved my application!! So now I'll get a normal monthly wage, which is just such a rerlief.
I also managed to ditch the hand brace. I was wearing a brace together with electro stimulation every night for 5 hours. And it worked wonders for my hand function but it's quite annoying to sit with a brace for so long. I first reduced the time to 2 hours, then stopped altogether. Now I just stretch my fingers every night instead and the consultant said she saw improvement in my hand function since last time!
I also tried to bulk for a short period but feel like I mostly gained fat despite eating healthy. Which made my mom tell me I didn't look good and she worried I wouldn't be able to lose it anymore. I'm cutting now and have already lost about 2-3 kilo. 2 weeks ago I weighed 82.8 kilo, which is quite a lot. And lately I've been feeling more uncomfortable in my skin. Losing the fat takes time and I just don't have the patience. I know I'll get where I want to be, but I guess what I see in the mirror just doesn't match with how I knew myself to be before, and it's been a hard pill to swallow. Obviously it's normal after a stroke and being in the hospital for a month, unable to move half your body and everyone brings you junkfood. I guess it's just been getting to me more than usual and it's frustrating to see how 2 years of hard work and building muscle disappeared within 4 weeks. I miss myself and feel stuck in a useless shell of a body that I don't recognise as my own. I know I'm getting stronger and I'm probably building muscle as well, but I'm so tired of feeling big and uncomfortable. I can't wait to be me again and look in the mirror and feel happy with my body and just strong and sexy again. I estimate I should be close to where I used to be pre stroke around November in terms of fat loss (muscle gain will probably take another year), so I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and be patient, but it's tough! I was doing so well mentally and now I feel like I had a huge setback in that area.
Sorry for the rant, it's been messing with my head and I know people here will understand. Thank you if you read all the way till here!
Update Post stroke life (struggling with healthy body image)
It's been a while since I've done one of these. I'm currently working on a few things regarding future work. I've completely changed my plans since the last update. Bewegingsagogie(recovery healthcare trainer) is out the window. I regularly talk to an after care consultant at the rehab clinic. I talked to her about "ervaringsdeskundige". Literally translated it means experience expert. So someone who is an expert on something through personal experience. She told me they don't have it at the clinic there but there are clinics that do have it. So I got the rather ambitious plan of creating that job at the clinic. Since it's quite valuable for stroke survivors to talk to another stroke survivor who is further into their recovery journey already. I received the best tips from other stroke survivors in Facebook groups. So far the people I've told about this have been positive. So Monday when I saw the consultant again I told her and asked for contact information of managment so I can pitch my idea. So I'm writing a mail concept to send. I have a job coach who will help me with it. But this week I received word that my disability pay has been improved. I already had some disability pay, but in the Netherlands there are several types. The one I had was based on what you earned in your last job. Since I was still a student, I only worked part-time in healthcare (which pays horribly), so I got 75% of what I was earning with that job. 75% of almost nothing is less than almost nothing, so basically living below the poverty border. There's a different type of disability pay which is specifically for young people, but the rules for that one are very strict, but it is much higher because it's just minimum monthly wage.I applied for it, had a very awkward conversation with an insurance doctor (who was questoning my ability to work out, he didn't understand how I was able to work out 5 days a week, so I was worried I screwed myself over by being honest about it). But they approved my application!! So now I'll get a normal monthly wage, which is just such a rerlief.
I also managed to ditch the hand brace. I was wearing a brace together with electro stimulation every night for 5 hours. And it worked wonders for my hand function but it's quite annoying to sit with a brace for so long. I first reduced the time to 2 hours, then stopped altogether. Now I just stretch my fingers every night instead and the consultant said she saw improvement in my hand function since last time!
I also tried to bulk for a short period but feel like I mostly gained fat despite eating healthy. Which made my mom tell me I didn't look good and she worried I wouldn't be able to lose it anymore. I'm cutting now and have already lost about 2-3 kilo. 2 weeks ago I weighed 82.8 kilo, which is quite a lot. And lately I've been feeling more uncomfortable in my skin. Losing the fat takes time and I just don't have the patience. I know I'll get where I want to be, but I guess what I see in the mirror just doesn't match with how I knew myself to be before, and it's been a hard pill to swallow. Obviously it's normal after a stroke and being in the hospital for a month, unable to move half your body and everyone brings you junkfood. I guess it's just been getting to me more than usual and it's frustrating to see how 2 years of hard work and building muscle disappeared within 4 weeks. I miss myself and feel stuck in a useless shell of a body that I don't recognise as my own. I know I'm getting stronger and I'm probably building muscle as well, but I'm so tired of feeling big and uncomfortable. I can't wait to be me again and look in the mirror and feel happy with my body and just strong and sexy again. I estimate I should be close to where I used to be pre stroke around November in terms of fat loss (muscle gain will probably take another year), so I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and be patient, but it's tough! I was doing so well mentally and now I feel like I had a huge setback in that area.
Sorry for the rant, it's been messing with my head and I know people here will understand. Thank you if you read all the way till here!