Change of perspective

Hi beautiful Blenders,

Spoiler: This is kind of a very long and negative post. I apologize for it and if you are in a bad place right now. Please skip it.

Last year I lost quite a bit of weight and came down to a weight I used to have for years. I am not overweight anymore, I am in my BMI, but I am not very slim either. When I first reached my original weight again, I was so proud and happy and felt so strong and good about myself, I even went swimming in the sea with a bikini. I never have done that before. But for some reason my perspective changed in the last couple of months. I don’t feel good about myself anymore. When I look in the mirror, I see mainly my belly, which is so big and so much, particularly compared to my legs and hips. And that is so frustrating. Just to give you an impression, my legs are normally size S while my belly requires size M or even L. So, shopping can be difficult and quite a hassle. According to guidelines how big your waist circumference should be I’m always in the high-risk category. But I don’t feel like it. I like to think that I am quite fit and healthy and always was.

A friend of mine mentioned that I might have diastasis recti from what I described to her. I never thought about it. I always thought I have a big belly. So, I researched a bit and I’m really not sure. It says as a result of diastasis recti you can have a hernia. Well, I had one after a year or so I got my last child. But maybe that was just a coincidence. My belly takes a very weird shape when I do planks or push-ups and even my husband admitted that it looks strange, and he would never comment on anything body related. But the shape might be also a result from just having a big belly. I read that you can feel a gap, but I only feel a lot of belly. My dilemma is, if it is diastasis recti, I probably can’t fix it. I like to think I have a very strong core. So, not so sure if specific exercises would add anything and I’m not so keen on surgery. If it is not diastasis recti, that would mean I am fat and that it is probably my own fault. That doesn’t make me happier either. I feel a bit helpless, because I can’t increase my workout time or intensity. I’m already at a high level. Well, I always can improve my diet, but it isn’t that bad. I’m more or less around the weight I reached last year.

Sorry for being so negative. But I would love to get my energy and positive perspective from last summer back. I’m not so sure if I really want to know if my belly is this or that, but I would like to get a mental break and be in peace with my body again.

Not so sure what my question is, but maybe you have some experiences or ideas how to regain your confidence.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.