Breaking the scale habit...

I'm 43 and never had to watch my weight until I was in college. Everyone told me I'd never be "skinny" forever and they were right. However, looking back to high school and early college I don't think I weighed enough and I NEVER cared what I ate then either...I was a bit of a late bloomer overall so my unhealthy habits didn't catch up to me until then. I was involved in sports in high school so I had "room" to eat whatever then, but I can also say no one in my family realized the importance of eating "clean" or balanced really.

I experienced a large weight gain a couple of years into college and I remember feeling so vulnerable at that time. I recall feeling like I was under a microscope, especially with my family and specifically my mother. I don't recall really ever knowing my weight until the moments I realized my body was not acceptable to others anymore. I can't say I worried about it much until I felt embarrassed by being told how I had changed - not always bluntly, but I knew what was being said. Thus, approximately 20 years ago my self-loathing and scale habits began. Up and down/back and forth with pregnancy, being a Mom, working full time, running to activities, etc...I could go on but saving space.

Fast forward and I've done it all - weight loss programs, counting calories, fasts, crash diets, etc. The heaviest I got was over 200 lbs on the day my child was born (it's been a long time since I've thought about that). I remember stepping on the scale that day before her birth and beating myself up...I was getting ready to give birth...who does that?! My entire journey has involved the scale, so when I found Fitness Blender recently the idea of not weighing myself often was hard to accept...and still is. In fact, I stepped on the scale this morning which is what prompted this post. I'm heavier than I was a few weeks ago when I started the FB challenge I'm doing now. Granted, it's a few pounds and recently diagnosed with a ruptured ovarian cyst (lots of fluid floating around in my pelvis, etc.). I'm on day 33 and have only missed 3 workouts. This is the most committed I've ever been to an exercise/fitness program.

So what is the point of my post? I finally see the importance of not relying on my scale. I feel great, I am seeing small (but significant to me) changes in my muscle tone and how things fit. When I stepped on that scale today it almost sabotaged me...almost, but I redirected my brain to how I felt yesterday when I noticed some definition in my upper thighs that I haven't seen in a very long time. This is a long process...breaking the scale habit, but I see the benefits of such on the horizon. I am learning to focus more on how I feel and my accomplishments vs. a number I see on that scale. It's exasperating how terribly controlling those numbers become.

My goal is to be more body positive so I can set an example for my teen daughter. I know too often through the years she's heard me talk about myself in negative ways, so each day I try to say something positive now in front of her about how I feel from working out, etc. I no longer want to be reduced to a number and hope she sees that in me.

I am not sure this all makes much sense, but today I get it...the scale is a sabotage instrument and not necessarily a tool in my fitness journey. I will no longer look at this as a weight loss journey because while I am not the "number" I've always pictured in my head I feel better than I have in years physically and I'm getting there mentally.

Thanks to FB and this community. I read through a lot of the posts to gain perspective and they have been immensely helpful.