Last night, the world turned me upside down and inside out. Last night I let out a primal and guttural part of me that I knew existed but never gave my voice to.

Today I woke up and didn't know what to do. Today I didn't know if I should walk to the couch or the bedroom, should I sip my coffee or stare, should I pick up my daughter or play with her.

Today I stared and wondered where the time went. Today I said I would do something, anything and instead did nothing. Today I felt guilt for a million different things. Today I stood in front of a mirror and debated on a plum cardigan or a white cardigan to see my father for the last time . Today I tried to smooth out the wrinkles in the white one and wondered if he would be more proud of me in the white cardigan or the plum cardigan. I know that's not how death works. But I pondered this question for about an hour. My husband picked up all the pieces, our daughter, the arrangements....and I pondered cardigans.

I have yet to get to that workout...because I pondered cardigans...