Sometimes you just need a break

(My first time posting on the community page! Haha 😊)

Just to give a bit of context to this post.

Prior to 2019, I was very 100% committed to exercising. Sure, there were moments when I was 50%, 70% but not 100%. The last time I was 100% committed to exercising was when I was 14 but I had…anorexia, so my relationship with food and exercise at that time was very messed up. Then, in 2019, I left home to study overseas. I decided to commit to a local gym. I’d like to say that I committed very well during the most of last year. There were moments where I didn’t exercise because I didn’t feel like it, because I was busy, normal, normal. Given that I was living alone, I had more independence around food and exercise too, so I was trying to learn what worked for me and what didn’t. Then, in August, I decided that I wanted to drop my body fat % a bit. Anyone who had any experience with eating disorders before would know that sometimes, things like this can turn out to be a slippery slope. For me, I didn’t realize how bad it would get till I came back home during the school holidays. To sum it up, I was doing strength training in the gym for 5 times a week, doing HIIT/cardio 4 times a week and eating an amount that was not enough. (I only ‘realized’ I wasn’t eating enough till I came back home and my parents saw me. I guess, in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t eating enough but I didn’t want to acknowledge it). I was obsessed with macros and calorie…yes, slippery slope indeed.

Yes, my body fat dropped, but it dropped too fast during the span of 3 -4 months. On top of that, I was also pretty stressed with university as I was taking quite a rigorous course. My period disappeared for 3 months, I was physically and mentally tired most of the time and I started to develop knee pain from the intensity of my workouts. Nearer to the dates I flew back home, I started to lapse in my workouts because my body couldn’t keep up. When I came back home, I guess I burnt out. Till this date, it has been 5 weeks since I work out.

It was only during these 5 weeks that I had the time to think about what I did, and how I lapsed (relapsed?) back to my eating disorder habits during those months. Anyhow, during these 5 weeks, I started to eat properly, and with the lack of many stress factors, my period came back. I do notice changes in my body associated with not exercising for a while and it is highly likely that my strength and muscle mass has dropped. It did cause me some anxiety but not as much now because I know that if I recommit back to exercising, I can get those things back.

I think what strike me during these 5 weeks is that I have to seriously find a pattern of working out and eating that works for me for the long term. If I had a New Year’s resolution, it would be that.

With that said, I’m not sure why I’m posting this here. I guess I just want to tell someone (other than the people around me) about it. It’s nice to get this of my chest though.