Needing a little reassurance...

Hi, everyone!

I'm new to Fitness Blender. I have been Frankenstein-ing some workouts from the free materials--at least it got me moving again! But I feel I could really use some help with motivation/feeling like change is possible.

Everyone in my family is overweight, probably obese. Not the kind of obese where they're inactive, but pretty sedentary and definitely carrying more weight than they should be. But anyway, that's the type of food intake and everything I've been around my whole life.

My mom never wanted me to struggle with weight, so she started at a very young age telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. Of course, it had the opposite effect. I know she was trying to help, but her coaching made me feel huge and different and disgusting since I was like 10 or so--no one else's mom would lean over at the birthday party and ask her if she /really/ needed that cake, so there must've been something wrong with me was the sort of self-talk I developed. I definitely turn to food when I am sad or overwhelmed, so I started a vicious cycle of feeling bad about my weight only to want to be comforted by food.

Basically, since high school, I have been gaining weight. Dips here and there as I got into a 4-month exercise routine or stress-lost weight making the transition into college, but the trajectory has always been upward. Every time, I always think, "Gosh, I am the heaviest I have ever been. I need to fix this." I do something to bring my weight down a bit, then something happens where I stress eat or stop exercising for a couple weeks and bam, I'm heavier than I've ever been...again.

I don't mean for this to sound like a sad, sappy post. I just don't know anyone in my life who has overcome this kind of pattern and am hoping to hear from some people who have. I have never seen any of the women in my family at a healthy weight. My husband can crush pizzas and ice cream and brownies and never gain a pound--it feels like I can eat a cucumber and gain three. I don't know anyone in real life trying to fight a similar battle, so I feel very isolated and alone. Maybe virtual workout buddies are a thing?

To anyone who made it through this post, thank you. If you saw any of yourself in any of this, I would so love to hear from you. I want to make a change--I just don't want self-doubt to cripple it.