When I started working out with FB last summer, I didn't expect quick results, but I thought that, after a few months, something in my body would have changed. It hasn't. My weight and measurements are the same, I'm still one kilo away from being overweight. I tried eating more and then eating less (my calorie allotment for mantaining my current weight, calculated with my level of activity, is 1700 calories, so one month I tried eating 1400-1500, another month I ate around 1300-1200, then dropped to 1100 for a couple of weeks, always counting macronutrients). Out of desperation, I went to a dietician, but even the meal plan she gave me brought no results (adding insult to injury, she even accused me of cheating on the meal plan, because it was impossible that it wouldn't work, according to her...). In the last few weeks, I have been so frustrated and disappointed with myself that I resorted to binge eating and of course, gained weight :(
So, here I am, after six months of constant exercise, and I feel like a failure. Whenever I'm working out and I just can't go on because I'm tired, I wonder if all that sweat is worth it. No pain, no gain, right? But what if it's all pain and no gain? I stopped doing the PFT when the last one showed worse results than the one I had done the month before. I look at myself in the mirror and still see that body I'm deeply ashamed of showing in anything other than over-size t-shirts. I don't even go to the seaside anymore, despite loving the water and loving to swim: I feel so uncomfortable that any enjoyment I might get from swimming is overshadowed by my deep feelings of shame. That's partly why I started working out last summer; I told myself that in an year, I might have had a better body and not have felt so ashamed and unconfortable at the beach. The way I see it, in July nothing would have changed, so there goes my dream...
I'm sorry for this long rant. Maybe I just needed to write it down, maybe I hoped it would be cathartic somehow, to face my demons black on white.
Whatever, I'm still going on. I started FB Fit, hoping that the longer routines will shake things up a bit, and have been struggling to finish them, because I rarely exercise for more than 40-45 minutes a day (other than Burn, which was my greatest challenge). I guess that struggle brought this rant on... I'm just so tired of pushing myself and seeing no changes at all.