Last week was really rough, to say the least. Thank you all so much for your genuine concern and support--you have no idea how much this community has helped me. I ended up getting through without going to the hospital (although it was threatened multiple times), but did take two days off of work to get myself back on track mentally. My mom (who actually works part-time at the place I do) talked to my manager about what I've been going through and she was incredibly supportive and understanding. Apparently a lot of the people I work with have been concerned, but because they're my superiors they couldn't say anything. It's weird to know that people noticed the issue--I figured they had, but the ED part of my brain kept telling me I didn't look bad enough for anyone to suspect anything. I'm just glad everyone's on the same page now, and I don't always have to pretend like everything's going fine.
On Wednesday I had an appointment with a new therapist who specializes in eating disorders. It was only the first appointment so it was mostly just her asking me basic questions, but she ended up referring me to a new doctor (one who works with many people with eating disorders) and I have an appointment scheduled with her for Tuesday morning. Apparently she's a pretty straightforward, no-nonsense person when it comes to weight restoring and doing what you need to to get healthy, so although I'm feeling a bit nervous, I'm thankful to be able to see her.
The last few days I've slept in a lot longer than I'm used to and I'm feeling pretty guilty about it, but I'm trying to remind myself that I've been deprived for so long and rest is what my body needs. I won't lie and say I haven't restricted food because of it, but I'm moving forward and trying to break the habit.
To be honest, I'm feeling very nervous as I approach this new appointment. For so long I've been the one in control of how much I weigh and what I eat/what I do for exercise, and soon that's going to be stripped away. On the one hand I know this is what I need to do to live and be healthy again, but on the other I'm already feeling frustrated and upset that the life I'm living now can't go on. As much as I've felt miserable, I feel like this disorder has become part of my identity, and I'm not sure who I am without it. I've always been afraid of change, and this is going to be huge.
Instead of focusing on the negatives, however, I'm trying to think of all the good things that'll come from it. Here's a list of some of the things I'm looking forward to:
1. Being able to regulate my body temperature again. I'm so excited to not be cold all the time!
2. To not find sitting down so uncomfortable (both mentally and physically).
3. To not feel my bones poking out everywhere.
4. Having the energy to workout and actually enjoy it.
5. To not have people be concerned about me and my health all the time.
6. To not have to meticulously count and control what I eat anymore.
7. To be able to go to the grocery store, think something looks good, and actually buy it instead of putting it back on the shelf because it's "too many calories" or "wouldn't be worth it."
8. To be able to sit and watch a movie with my family without feeling guilty for relaxing.
9. To have more than one pair of pants that actually fits.
10. To not feel dizzy and hungry all the time.
11. To have healthy hair that doesn't break and fall out all the time.
12. To be able to go to the movies and eat popcorn without having to "fit it in" to the rest of my day.
13. To not have to waste money buying the more expensive version of x food item because it has ten fewer calories (you have no idea how ridiculous this feels to type out).
14. To not have my feet hurt because I have to be standing/walking around all the time.
15. To not feel the need to compulsively exercise or move around to "earn" food.
16. To get my period back.
And that list is just the start! As much as I'm terrified and don't feel ready to make this change, I know that feeling "ready" may never actually come and I just need to give it my best shot anyway.