Yesterday I had an appointment with a new therapist who specializes in EDs. She's helping me form a treatment team with a nutritionist and physician (who also treats EDs) which is great, but I just feel like I can't wait any longer. Everything feels so horrible and overwhelming. I feel like I just want to rip my brain out of my head to stop all the thoughts. I don't want to worry about food or feel hungry or feel like eating absolutely everything in my house. I haven't been active at all today and I just feel like I don't deserve food but I gave in anyway and had a packet of oatmeal which is making me feel so guilty. I want to eat and eat and eat because I feel weak and tired and lightheaded but because I'm sitting down all day I feel like I shouldn't eat at all. I just want everything to be over.

I want to eat bowls and bowls of oatmeal with real peanut butter and banana and syrup and I want to have chocolate and bread and veggies with hummus and chips and salsa and literally everything. But I can't. And I'm just so done fighting.

My parents and sister want to take me to the hospital but I can't because I have so much important stuff going on at school and I can't miss stuff and I have work to go to. I can't let people know there's a problem. I can't be seen as weak. I had a complete breakdown last night and I just feel like I can't think right now at all. I just want to keep losing weight. I want to starve but I hate feeling hungry. Everything feels so impossible and I just want to disappear.

I can't keep hurting my family; I can't keep scaring them. I'm so conflicted and I just don't know what to do anymore.