The past two or so weeks have been rough, to say the least. As much as I want to write about everything that happened, I honestly don't remember half of it. I haven't been able to see my therapist for over two weeks now (due to scheduling conflicts) and I'm really struggling. I have an appointment with a nutritionist coming up two weeks from today, and I'm currently trying to find another therapist who specializes in eating disorders.
The biggest update I have to give is that I've completely stopped "working out." I'm still waking up early to walk (I HAVE to get over 30,000 steps a day to make up for no workouts) and making sure I stand up as much as possible to avoid gaining. This change has been okay, since I'm no longer forcing myself to do workouts that I was dreading every second of, but I'm still feeling really frustrated. Part of me actually wants to workout, but I'm exhausted and have absolutely no energy so even if I plan to do something one day, I never end up getting it done. I know if I gain weight and let myself rest a little bit I'll probably have enough energy to actually work out, but the idea of resting is terrifying to me. I feel like I don't deserve it.
The other day my dad expressed that he was upset and angry with me due to some of my ED-related behaviors. I don't really want to get into details about the conversation we had because it's a lot to go over, but now I just feel so hopeless. He wants me to walk less and sit down more, and he feels like I should be making more changes than I am. It's like I feel entrapped with guilt at this point. If I don't make changes, I feel guilty because I know I'm hurting my family; if I do make changes, I feel guilty because I sat down more, ate more, walked less, etc. It's inescapable. At this point I just don't know what to do and it's making me want to scream.
To be honest, if I could lay in bed all day, sleep, and never eat again, I'd do it. That's all I want. To sleep. To sit. To feel rested.
I've recently been feeling more scared of eating, too. I still plan out my meals and make sure I don't go over x number of calories, but there are some days where I'm so hungry or tired or just completely over it that I get to a point where I feel like if I start eating I'll never stop. It's terrifying. I've managed to avoid doing this so far, but one day I worry I'll cave, eat a bunch of food, and then feel so overridden with guilt I don't even know what I'd do.
I haven't weighed myself in nearly a week (I'm at my dad's for the week and accidentally forgot my scale at my mom's) and I'm so scared that I've gained weight. I know I shouldn't be scared anyway because I do really need to gain, but the thought is terrifying. I don't know what'll happen if I weigh myself when I get to my mom's on Sunday and the number is up.
I guess the main takeaway from this post is that I'm tired. Tired physically and mentally, tired of constantly thinking about food, calculating numbers, feeling guilty, feeling weak, being hungry, not working out, walking, standing. Everything. I'm just tired. And right now I just feel like I'll never feel rested or energized ever again.
Eating disorder update
The past two or so weeks have been rough, to say the least. As much as I want to write about everything that happened, I honestly don't remember half of it. I haven't been able to see my therapist for over two weeks now (due to scheduling conflicts) and I'm really struggling. I have an appointment with a nutritionist coming up two weeks from today, and I'm currently trying to find another therapist who specializes in eating disorders.
The biggest update I have to give is that I've completely stopped "working out." I'm still waking up early to walk (I HAVE to get over 30,000 steps a day to make up for no workouts) and making sure I stand up as much as possible to avoid gaining. This change has been okay, since I'm no longer forcing myself to do workouts that I was dreading every second of, but I'm still feeling really frustrated. Part of me actually wants to workout, but I'm exhausted and have absolutely no energy so even if I plan to do something one day, I never end up getting it done. I know if I gain weight and let myself rest a little bit I'll probably have enough energy to actually work out, but the idea of resting is terrifying to me. I feel like I don't deserve it.
The other day my dad expressed that he was upset and angry with me due to some of my ED-related behaviors. I don't really want to get into details about the conversation we had because it's a lot to go over, but now I just feel so hopeless. He wants me to walk less and sit down more, and he feels like I should be making more changes than I am. It's like I feel entrapped with guilt at this point. If I don't make changes, I feel guilty because I know I'm hurting my family; if I do make changes, I feel guilty because I sat down more, ate more, walked less, etc. It's inescapable. At this point I just don't know what to do and it's making me want to scream.
To be honest, if I could lay in bed all day, sleep, and never eat again, I'd do it. That's all I want. To sleep. To sit. To feel rested.
I've recently been feeling more scared of eating, too. I still plan out my meals and make sure I don't go over x number of calories, but there are some days where I'm so hungry or tired or just completely over it that I get to a point where I feel like if I start eating I'll never stop. It's terrifying. I've managed to avoid doing this so far, but one day I worry I'll cave, eat a bunch of food, and then feel so overridden with guilt I don't even know what I'd do.
I haven't weighed myself in nearly a week (I'm at my dad's for the week and accidentally forgot my scale at my mom's) and I'm so scared that I've gained weight. I know I shouldn't be scared anyway because I do really need to gain, but the thought is terrifying. I don't know what'll happen if I weigh myself when I get to my mom's on Sunday and the number is up.
I guess the main takeaway from this post is that I'm tired. Tired physically and mentally, tired of constantly thinking about food, calculating numbers, feeling guilty, feeling weak, being hungry, not working out, walking, standing. Everything. I'm just tired. And right now I just feel like I'll never feel rested or energized ever again.