E

A hard couple of days

2

I'm feeling so defeated right now. Thursday was a complete disaster, and ever since then I've just been entirely consumed by this disorder. I woke up Thursday at 5:45 with the intention of working out and ended up essentially having a panic attack because I was so tired and just couldn't force myself. The guilt that I felt over this was immense, and I was probably in the worst mindset I've been in this whole time. My whole world felt like it was going to come crashing down because I couldn't force my body to do a stupid workout. How dumb is that?! I ended up not going to classes that day (thankfully two ended up getting canceled so I didn't get behind) and my mom and sister even stayed home from work so I wouldn't be alone.

I had an emergency doctor's appointment made because we just need some kind of help. I was referred to a nutritionist, told they'd refer me to a new therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and got my blood taken. The rest of the day was relatively okay, but then Friday morning the same thing happened again. I got through classes and work after school on Friday and even managed to allow myself to sit down a little after I got home (I normally don't allow myself to sit unless I'm in class and/or somewhere else where I absolutely have to). On Friday morning I got a call from the doctor's about the new therapist where they 1) recommended me the therapist who I'm already seeing (who doesn't specialize in EDs) and 2) gave me the name of two websites so I can go find someone myself.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is the fact that I haven't worked out since Tuesday. I keep telling myself that it's fine because on days that I don't workout I make sure to walk around the house all day and get in at least 30,000 steps. But then I get into this cycle of thinking that the walking isn't enough because it's not a structured workout, and that I'm just being lazy. The truth is I could barely manage to pull myself out of bed this morning because my legs felt like lead and I felt so tired I could've slept for another 24 hours.

Part of me wants to workout, and the other part is just so out of energy that I couldn't even if I tried. I just hate this guilt so much. It's gotten to a point where I've questioned just laying down in bed all day and not eating, that way I can rest but not gain anything from eating too much. It's scary because part of me wants to eat everything in the house and the other part wants me to stop eating altogether. There have been times where I felt like if I started eating I would never stop because I feel so out of control and out of energy.

I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. I'm so frustrated with all the conflicting thoughts of not being thin enough, of wanting to be under 100 pounds but knowing I shouldn't be, of wanting to skip meals but also wanting to eat everything in sight, of kind of wanting to workout but having no energy to do so.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but I know I need to be honest with myself about these feelings, and I figured it would help to get them out somewhere. I hope you all have had a positive start to March.