I know I've posted a few things like this before, but since those previous posts I've only gotten worse. To preface this I do want to say that I'm working with a therapist already (I have an appointment later today actually) but she doesn't specialize in disordered eating and I'm just not sure it's helping.
I'm so tired. So ridiculously tired--mentally and physically. I feel like crying all the time. My life is riddled with guilt. If I don't workout, I feel guilty. If I don't get an outrageous amount of steps in per day (on top of the workouts), I feel guilty. If I sit down when I could be standing up, I feel guilty. If I eat something before I get to the point where I'm so hungry I feel weak, I feel guilty. I don't know how to stop it.
This sounds so dramatic, but I don't even know if I know what happiness feels like anymore. I'm just so tired of forcing myself to wake up early to workout, forcing myself to keep calories low during the day so I can eat more at night. I don't even feel like a person anymore. My life is just school, work, workout, walk, homework, eat, and then it repeats all again the next day. I'm so beyond tired of feeling tired.
Today I planned to get up early to do a workout. I got up, but I just don't think I can do it today. I'm hungry and tired and just feeling so weak and defeated. But now I feel guilty because if I don't workout I don't deserve to eat as much. I don't know what to do. My mind tells me to just do something easy like pilates or yoga or stretching, but that "wouldn't count" because I wouldn't be sweating profusely and out of breath. I've only worked out twice this week so far and my minimum every week is 45-60 minutes at least five days. I'm way behind this week and just feel horrible about it.
Apparently people keep commenting to my parents/sister that I look unhealthy. Part of me sees it sometimes, but the other part of me thinks I'm fat and need to lose more weight. I'm 5'7" and weigh about 102 pounds at the moment. I'm terrified of the scale going up at all. The rational part of my brain knows that it needs to, but the other part tells me that I don't deserve to recover or feel better because I'm "not sick enough." But I don't know what "sick enough" would be for me anymore.
I'm just tired of this. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. It just feels like my whole day is ruined because I haven't worked out yet. It feels like I don't deserve anything good anymore. I don't know how to get out of this. I know I have the support of my family behind me, but we've tried implementing small changes before and even those have felt completely impossible. I'm just at a loss of what to do and feeling so overwhelmed.
I need help (suffering with eating disorder?)
Hello everyone,
I know I've posted a few things like this before, but since those previous posts I've only gotten worse. To preface this I do want to say that I'm working with a therapist already (I have an appointment later today actually) but she doesn't specialize in disordered eating and I'm just not sure it's helping.
I'm so tired. So ridiculously tired--mentally and physically. I feel like crying all the time. My life is riddled with guilt. If I don't workout, I feel guilty. If I don't get an outrageous amount of steps in per day (on top of the workouts), I feel guilty. If I sit down when I could be standing up, I feel guilty. If I eat something before I get to the point where I'm so hungry I feel weak, I feel guilty. I don't know how to stop it.
This sounds so dramatic, but I don't even know if I know what happiness feels like anymore. I'm just so tired of forcing myself to wake up early to workout, forcing myself to keep calories low during the day so I can eat more at night. I don't even feel like a person anymore. My life is just school, work, workout, walk, homework, eat, and then it repeats all again the next day. I'm so beyond tired of feeling tired.
Today I planned to get up early to do a workout. I got up, but I just don't think I can do it today. I'm hungry and tired and just feeling so weak and defeated. But now I feel guilty because if I don't workout I don't deserve to eat as much. I don't know what to do. My mind tells me to just do something easy like pilates or yoga or stretching, but that "wouldn't count" because I wouldn't be sweating profusely and out of breath. I've only worked out twice this week so far and my minimum every week is 45-60 minutes at least five days. I'm way behind this week and just feel horrible about it.
Apparently people keep commenting to my parents/sister that I look unhealthy. Part of me sees it sometimes, but the other part of me thinks I'm fat and need to lose more weight. I'm 5'7" and weigh about 102 pounds at the moment. I'm terrified of the scale going up at all. The rational part of my brain knows that it needs to, but the other part tells me that I don't deserve to recover or feel better because I'm "not sick enough." But I don't know what "sick enough" would be for me anymore.
I'm just tired of this. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. It just feels like my whole day is ruined because I haven't worked out yet. It feels like I don't deserve anything good anymore. I don't know how to get out of this. I know I have the support of my family behind me, but we've tried implementing small changes before and even those have felt completely impossible. I'm just at a loss of what to do and feeling so overwhelmed.