Accountability/Complete Honesty

I joined the end of April. Had everything ready. Got my spreadsheet together, my goals, purchased a few workouts etc. I even got the calendar for the month of May ready. I was feeling disappointed because I only worked out 1 day this month. (I have not worked out yet today.)

I am going through the community and reading peoples questions, motivations, those who finished programs etc. Reading them, I noticed each person said the programs were difficult, but they stayed with it and enjoyed it. The more I read, the more I realized why I did not work out this month. It is because I am afraid to start. I am afraid of not being able to do the exercises even though Kelli encourages modifications. (I love strength training 100% but since joining FB I was reminded of my love for Pilates. Have not done Pilates in over 10 years!!!! I do not like HITT; this might change in the future, one never knows.)

The two biggest reasons that came to me today are I am afraid of failure/giving up again. Biggest fear is (trying to get my words together while crying.) how will I react when I reach my goal? I am afraid of reaching my goal.

When I had my second child in 2005, that is when all this started. I was on birth control (did not know I was allergic to the pill and switched to the shot.) After giving birth and going on BC my weight went up to about 240 lbs. at the age of 19/20. (After having my son my weight was an even 200.) I have been overweight 15 years. Guess I got used to it. In 2014 I went to the gym 5 times a week. Did strength 3 times a week and cardio twice a week. I went down to 215 and was PROUD. Then life happened and has not stopped since. Went from 215 up to my current weight of 280 lbs. and have been fighting the same 15 lbs. repeatedly. (Future 35 year old here 😊) My lowest was 128lbs but was happy at 150lbs. I am seriously tired.

Thank you.